How to Write a Merlin Fanfiction
by Naleky
Summary: The Very Helpful and Only Slightly Sarcastic Guideline For Every Fanfiction Author
1. A Serious Warning

**A Serious Warning**

This is important, so please read it and keep it in mind whilst reading the guide! I know it's long, but it is necessary.

I've already made my experience with parodies like this, and unfortunately, they tend to get deleted rather quickly because people complain about them.

So please note that _nothing_ within this story is to be taken seriously.

Nothing I write in here represents _my own_ opinion about stories, authors, genres or the like!

I respect every single person who takes joy out of writing stories and I do not want to hurt or insult anyone.

So if you _are_ hurt or insulted by anything I write in this guide, please write me a PM or a review in which you tell me what you don't like, preferably with a reason for it. If I can understand your request, I will delete the part you deem inappropriate.

If you don't like reading about someone making fun of fanfictions and their authors, don't read it.

The rest of you – if there still is a rest – enjoy.


	2. Introducing the Guide

**Introducing the Guide**

Welcome, dear reader!

So you want to write a _'Merlin'_ FanFiction, but you don't know what to look out for, which tricks to keep in mind, and – most importantly – which guidelines to comply with?

No problem!

This guide will give you all the information you need to become a successful writer in the _'Merlin'_ fandom!

In the following chapters, I – a long experienced (read: long-suffering) expert with years of practise in the great art of reading and writing fanfictions – will guide you through the fandom and tell you everything there is to know about the tricks and quirks of a successful _'Merlin' _author.

Believe me, there is no kind of story I haven't read yet. I've read romance, action, tragedy and western. Het, Slash, Femslash and even a few stories featuring a person and an object doing things no person should do with an object.

Stories that were thrilling or boring, stories that were sad or funny, stories that tried to be funny but failed so spectacularly it was sad, stories that make people laugh, cry, throw up or stare at the computer screen in horror, convinced that they will never be able to use a TV remote ever again, etc.

So no matter what you have in mind, I've already thought of it.

Be it the general information about how the categories work, what kind of pairings exist, how the different genres work, or **_what the hell_** "MxM A/M DLDR R&R!" is supposed to mean, there are no boundaries.

And if, even after reading this guide, you still have questions, you are probably of those clever guys who think of especially tricky questions just to annoy the guide. But nonetheless I will answer them all!

Are you ready?

No?

Doesn't matter, we'll start anyway.

Welcome to _'Merlin'_!

P.S. And if you are the smartass kind and checked my profile to see how many stories I've published yet: Just because I didn't post them on , doesn't mean I didn't write them. Most of them simply are too embarrassing to let the Internet have a look at it. I still can't believe I published _this_ piece of junk - I mean art!

* * *

**Warnings! (Not-Serious Edition)**

This guide is not to be taken seriously. The only purpose it serves is to amuse (read: piss off) the reader.

I just like to have my fun by ridiculing everything and everyone unfortunate enough to come to my attention. How do I still have friends, you ask? I don't know either.

So if you are overly sensible, overly fond of the TV show _'Merlin'_, don't like such impudent things like sarcasm, cynism or satires and/or have no sense of humour in general: please do us both a favour and just close this story. Right now.

But if you still want to give this guide a try, have my email address for hate mails:

Idontcare at flame-mail dot net (Thank you, FanFiction, for your wonderful editing programme!)

* * *

**Yay, finally another story!  
First things first: Don't kill me! I _will_ write another story for the Thief!verse, but this thing just begged to be written and I couldn't resist.  
Second things second: I'm dead serious about the Serious Warning. I'm not exactly known for my tact, and chances are great someone will take offence in this guideline. So please, tell me if I go too far instead of just reporting abuse.**


	3. Genres A - F

**Genres**

Let's start with the genres. If you want to write a story, you should first know what you want to write exactly. Of course, there are stories that make you suspect the author had _absolutely no idea_ what they were doing, but I guess you can imagine only too well just how the quality of these stories tends to be.

Therefore, to give you a feeling for the different kinds of stories that can be written, I will now introduce the different genres of to you.

* * *

Adventure

In this genre, you can do literally _anything_ that will hurt, scar, torture, traumatize, and/or cause severe mental issues for the characters. But don't kill them. If you kill them, you have to use the 'Tragedy' genre.

Just follow the steps of the typical 'Adventure' story:

1. The people you want to torture to near-death (mostly Merlin, sometimes Arthur, funnily enough never Uther) go out for a hunt, a stroll, a picnic or some other outrageously stupid task, it doesn't matter as long as they're outside and in the woods. Remember this: all bad things happen in the woods! It's an incontrovertible truth.

2. The heroes get attacked by bandits / brigands / mercenaries / soldiers / sorcerers / whatevers. It doesn't matter as long as they are brainless minions who are barely clever enough to breathe on their own and follow the orders of some evil mastermind (Morgana, Morgause, Mordred, some other Evil Dude whose name starts with "Mor-", someone bent on revenge for whatever reason you can come up with, etc).

3. The heroes get knocked out, are kidnapped and wake up again in some foreign place in some sh*thole of a cell.

4. After establishing the facts that A) nobody died, B) they can't get out and C) one character of your choice has a nasty injury of your choice that needs medical attention _immediately_, the heroes lean back and wait for some wonder to happen.

5. The Evil Dude appears and tells them about his ingenious, unthwartable, brilliant, overly complicated plan… which actually is pretty dumb and far too easy to foil.

6. Now you can let the Evil Dude torture the heroes for whatever reasons you like. Here are some examples from which you can pick: revenge, valuable information, more revenge, a crappy childhood, the most revengiest revenge ever, pure sadism, etc.

7. Once the heroes are half-dead and unconscious, the Evil Dude decides that he has enough and leaves them to rot.

8. Merlin (after waking up again) holds a highly dramatic and unnecessarily lengthy inner monologue about whether this would be a good situation to reveal his magic or not.

9. Don't let anyone bleed out during this highly dramatic and unnecessarily lengthy inner monologue.

10. Now you get to choose whether Merlin reveals his magic or not.

A) If he reveals it, let him use some really showy and awesome badass-spell to get them all out. Arthur will be horribly upset, but since Merlin just saved his life, all the years of deceit will be forgiven and forgotten. They make their way home. The End.

B) If he doesn't do it, he just waits for everyone else to faint due to blood loss to work his magic and get them all out. Afterwards, the others conveniently regain consciousness and they make their way home. The End.

11. If you totally forgot about the nasty injury of your choice that needs medical attention _immediately_ from step 4, don't worry. Most of your readers will have, too.

* * *

Angst

In this genre, there normally isn't that much action, because torture is meant for 'Adventure' and 'Tragedy'. Except maybe if you make Arthur torture Merlin or vice versa. But only if there is much talking in between the bashing.

Because that is the main topic of 'Angst'. Talking. Yep, no kidding here.

The plotline is usually very easy to construct. Take a sad, depressing topic that fits into the concept of the show. Merlin contemplating the prospect of dying should he reveal his magic; some character mourning the death of another character; Arthur already knowing of Merlin's magic and contemplating the pros and cons of killing him; Morgana losing her favourite earring… Whatever you want.

Then, make them talk. Monologue, dialogue, trialogue, many people angrily shouting at each other – it doesn't matter as long as they talk to themselves or others.

Whatever problem the character has, just approaching someone and telling them is a no-go. First they have to drive themselves insane by thinking it over and over and over and over and over until they don't even know what topic they're getting upset about anymore. Then, just before they completely lose it and go jump off a tower, they decide for some reason to confine in someone else after all.

This conversation promptly goes to hell because now both characters drive themselves insane over the topic.

Essential for a good 'Angst' story is much shouting, much despair, much sighing, much hair-pulling, much accusing each other of horrible things that aren't even partly true and very much angst, fear, frustration, anger, black-and-white-thinking and more angst.

You can choose whether you want them to finally realise that the things they angst and fight about are trivial and stupid and they could use their time and breath for better things OR if they argue on until their friendship is shattered, their throats hoarse and their minds so full of angst that at least one of them takes off to finally go jump off that damned tower.

But don't write about the actual jumping part. That would be 'Tragedy'.

* * *

Crime

No-one ever uses 'Crime'. Not even **_I_** used 'Crime' for my stories, even though they're featuring a thieving Merlin and Arthur as a policeman, which is about as much 'Crime' as you can get around here. (Now that I think about it, I probably _should _have used 'Crime'…)

Use the genres 'Angst', 'Adventure' or 'Drama' instead. I'm sure your story will fit _somewhere_ in those.

* * *

Drama

Basically, it's just a mix of 'Adventure' and 'Angst'. In 'Drama' you can write about something bad happening, which results in tension, angst and other inadvisable emotions that make the characters do stupid things instead of just talk about it.

Because holding a monologue about the problem is fine, but holding a dialogue is unthinkable. (Don't ask me why, just invent some shallow reason and stick with that.)

Here's an example: take the plotline from 'Adventure'. But instead of focusing on the fun part (i.e. the torturing), you only briefly mention what happened in a few sentences. (They went to the woods, were kidnapped and tortured, Merlin used badass magic to get them out. Yep, that's about it.)

The main part of the story is the aftermath. Arthur now knows about the magic and is terribly upset. Because instead of remembering that Merlin has been his servant for several years and couldn't _possibly _be that much of a failure as an assassin that he hasn't managed to kill **anyone** by now, he only concentrates on how Merlin lied to him for years and how he can't _possibly_ choose between his best friend and his father's stupid laws. And don't forget the highly dramatic and unnecessarily lengthy monologue! But contrary to 'Adventure', in 'Drama', Arthur is the one holding it.

If the story is set during Series 5 of the show, try _not_ to mention the fact that Arthur already realised what kind of prejudiced tosser his father was. (Dear Uther-Lovers, please remember the email address I gave you.)

* * *

Family

Can be paired with 'Romance' or 'Friendship', since you can choose two genres for your story. 'Family' basically is the second genre you choose solely because you don't know what other genre you could choose, but don't want to only have one. So, if you want to choose 'Romance'/'Family', look at the description of 'Romance'. If you choose 'Friendship'/'Family', look at the description of 'Friendship'.

* * *

Fantasy

Choosing 'Fantasy' as a genre is equally ingenious and stupid, because – come on! Labelling a story 'Fantasy' in a fandom of a show in which a wizard and a king go on dragon / griffin / goblin / pixie hunts and magic is used to make pretty glowing butterflies is kind of cheating, isn't it? (It is.)

So if you write a story in which some sort of magical beast appears and you have _no idea whatsoever_ how to categorise it, stick with 'Fantasy'. That's the easiest way out.

* * *

Friendship

Writing a 'Friendship' story is very easy. All you have to do is focus your plot on the friendship between two or more characters.

They help each other in times of distress ('Friendship'/'Adventure'), they comfort each other after something bad or depressing happened ('Friendship'/'Hurt/Comfort'), or they overcome and forgive each other even the worst things after lamenting over them in highly dramatic and unnecessarily lengthy monologues OR dialogues (Yes, there actually are _dialogues_ in 'Friendship'!) which just for once end in the realisation that throwing around pointless accusations won't help anyone ('Friendship'/'Angst' or 'Friendship'/'Drama').

You can also mix 'Friendship' with 'Romance', though that doesn't really make sense, since you usually don't want to be called a _'good friend'_ if you actually want into the other person's pants.

But I digress.

The only important thing is that you describe how much the characters like each other (as _'good friends'_, not in a romantic way), are there for each other and generally how much their friendship means to them.

* * *

**Oh, how I LOVE the new Doc Manager. It's so ... competent. Not.  
So sorry for the uploading fail, it really wasn't my fault. I blame my computer. And FanFiction. And the Internet. And the universe in general, too.  
**


	4. Genres G - Z

**iesrztdsfgjkszdfkafdvnaöwrithzlsdfizerluh34iaupilhalsjkdfbaulehröawoifjscöajkgdrtjnxföqwietzhas!**

**That's me, hitting the keyboard with my head over and over again out of sheer frustration.**

**I'm now firmly convinced that Fanfiction hates my guts and tries with all its might to make my life miserable. Because this is the 6th (SIXTH!) time _in a row_ that it f***ed up my documents. Argh. It would probably be funny if I weren't so disgruntled right now.**

**So sorry for the upload fail (again), I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. (And if this _still_ doesn't work, I'll go blow something up. That always calms my nerves.)**

* * *

General

Alright, I take everything I said about 'Fantasy' back. 'General' _definitely_ is the easiest way out if you don't know how to label your story. Sorry, my fault.

* * *

Horror

Anything related to Halloween, no matter how little horror actually appears within the story, can be labelled as 'Horror". But if you want to write a _real_ 'Horror' story, keep these points in mind:

1. You can kill characters without having to label the story as 'Tragedy'. That's a great bonus.

2. Some sort of ghost / ghoul / evil spirit / demon / _why-am-I-even-listing-these-things?_ has to appear in the story.

3. Feel free to base the story on the first episodes of Series 4, but please, **PLEASE** call the spirits _Dorocha_ and NOT _Doroca, Dorocca, Doroccccccca _or _Dorothea_. And the gatekeeper's name is _Cailleach_. _**CAILLEACH**__!_ I know it sounds like _Celix_, but I **guarantee** you that it is actually written like that and anything else will give me eye cancer, so stick with the correct writing, okay? Okay.

4. Killing dozens of uninteresting minor characters is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged.

5. Things to make the story more interesting: lots of crying, wailing, screaming, yelling, yelping, tearing hair, flinching, cringing and rapidly turning around to investigate creepy noises which have very un-creepy sources but help to build up some suspense.

6. At least 50% of the story has to happen at night. And in the woods or an old, rotting ruin of some sorts. That's creepier.

* * *

Humor

For justifying the usage of 'Humo(u)r', you have to try (and fail) to be funny.

Here, too, you can use some of the elements the TV show presents you. Have a few examples: the Goblin Incident, Arthur's blatant obliviousness to all things magical, the banter, Gwaine (preferably drunk), Morgana's smirking – and seriously, the number of stories about her smirking habits is downright disturbing – , Uther's exorbitant paranoia, etc.

And don't worry about whether you are funny enough or not – only very few actually are. (I mean, look at my sorry attempts at humour!)

Essential for a 'Humor' story are stylistic devices like super-mega-over-exaggerations, ornate and vivid examples to make your readers imagine things in their heads they _really_ don't want to imagine and won't forget ever again and a _very_ loose interpretation of the characters, objects and places you are writing about.

Because only 'Humor' stories are allowed to feature rainbow-sh*tting unicorns, talking neckerchiefs, Gwaine with purple hair and a ballet-dancing Uther without completely missing the entire point of the TV show. It's a law of nature, don't question it. (Also, if you write about a ballet-dancing Uther, you'd have to be seriously crap at writing if it makes nobody smile at all.)

* * *

Hurt/Comfort

The genre 'Hurt/Comfort' is easy to explain, simply because it is self-explanatory.

Hurt your characters, then comfort them.

See? Self-explanatory.

'Hurt/Comfort' is best used with the additional genres 'Angst', 'Drama' and/or 'Friendship'.

If you choose one of the former two, focus on the 'Hurt' part, if you choose the latter, focus on the 'Comfort' part of the genre. It's not rocket science.

* * *

Mystery

(Gosh, why on earth did I think it would be a good idea to write this guide again?)

I skimmed through most of the summaries of stories (and sometimes even the stories themselves) that are labelled 'Mystery', and the only thing I know for sure is that the genre 'Mystery' is about as useful as 'Crime' or 'Family' (i.e. not at all).

Just use one (or two) of the other tags. Even 'Supernatural' is a better choice than 'Mystery', and that's saying something.

* * *

Parody

In 'Parody', the author is even more determined to be funny than in 'Humor'. And fails even more spectacularly.

End of story.

* * *

Poetry

Choose 'Poetry' if you want to write poetry. So basically an acceptable choice for everything as long as the last words of your sentences rhyme. But do me a favour and don't write poetry in the first place. (Somehow, I just _know_ that this story will get a 'Report Abuse'- kind of problem in less than a week.)

* * *

Romance

'Romance' is the genre where you will have to use your knowledge about _Pairings_ (see **Pairings**). Because it deals with – Surprise! – romantic topics. In this genre, you will also have to mind the _Ratings_. I don't want to anticipate the later chapters of this guide, but here is a rough guideline:

Kindergarten romance or pining: **K**

Cuddling and kissing: **K+**

Dirty jokes and hints to sex: **T**

Sex: **M**

Hardcore BDSM, sex games of questionable nature and highly dubious or unappetising topics: you can _try_ **M**, but please spare us the trauma. That's what other, ahem, _interesting_ websites are there for. (And just for that sentence alone I'll have to rate this guide T, because _someone_ is bound to complain about me sooner or later.)

But back to the topic at hand: if you want to write a 'Romance' story, please keep the following steps in mind:

1. Choose a pairing.

2. Choose a rating.

3. Write something overly cheesy and sentimental that fits into the pairing and rating, preferably without any plotline at all and so sweet it will give your readers caries by just looking at it. (Oh, and feel free to actually _write_ that in your summary. It's astonishing how much 'Romance'-related teeth-masochism exists within this fandom.)

4. There can be some sort of drama in your story, like an accident or a misunderstanding. But please note that

A) you have to pick 'Family', 'Friendship' or 'General' as your second genre if your story has a happy ending and

B) you have to pick 'Tragedy', 'Drama' or 'Angst' if it doesn't. So don't you _dare_ writing about a break-up without using one of the three genres listed above!

5. Never write something that can be labelled as 'Romance' _and_ 'Poetry'. It will only end in tears. Most likely the reader's ones.

* * *

Sci-Fi

There are even less people who choose 'Sci-Fi' than 'Crime'. And honestly, what kind of story do you want to write that features medieval characters and can be called **science**-fiction? Do me a favour and either keep your hands from this kind of story entirely or label it as 'Fantasy'. Easy way out, remember?

* * *

Spiritual

Copy & Paste the description of 'Mystery' into this section and replace the word 'Mystery' with 'Spiritual'. (No, that's not lazy, it's just saving time and space.)

* * *

Supernatural

'Supernatural' is a TV show, and therefore a fandom on it's own. Period.

…

Alright, alright.

If 'Fantasy' is too cheap for you and there is anything ghost-like appearing in your story, you can use it. Happy now?

* * *

Suspense

(Oh dear. Here we go again.)

Write a story that fits into the genres 'Tragedy', 'Angst', 'Drama', 'Adventure' or even 'Friendship' and add some hints that make the reader think something unbelievably bad will happen without actually making it happen, e.g. hints of suicide or imminent world domination by men-eating Shetland ponies.

Except, of course, if the second genre you chose is 'Tragedy'. Then, you can make the reader believe that something bad will happen but the heroes can fix it without actually making them fix it.

Basically, 'Suspense' mostly is the pretty second genre, which only purpose it is to make the story look more interesting.

* * *

Tragedy

Kill someone. Preferably one (or several) of the main characters.

Yep, it's that easy.

…

Fine!

No matter what you write, someone has to die. And I'm not talking about all the faceless, nameless minor characters that die in hundreds of Plot Device, I'm talking about the characters I warned you _not_ to kill in 'Adventure', 'Angst' and 'Drama'.

I quote: "mostly Merlin, sometimes Arthur, funnily enough never Uther". (Wow, that description fits literally_ everywhere!)_

It doesn't even matter how the characters (as many as you like, depending on your mood) die, as long as you actually kill them.

Torture them to death, let them commit suicide, let them commit gruesome homicide and _then_ suicide, drown them in a body of water (river, lake, sea, ocean, puddle, etc.), freeze them to death, make them sacrifice themselves to save their loved ones, give them a lethal mutation of genital herpes, whatever makes you happy and your audience cry.

So, to put it in a nutshell: Kill someone. Preferably one (or several) of the main characters. The End.

* * *

Western

Copy & Paste the description of 'Sci-Fi' into this section and replace the word 'Sci-Fi' with 'Western'. There you go. (My laziness just hit a new all-time high.)


	5. Ratings

**Ratings**

(You're still reading?! Why?)

Well, my dear reader, now that we have covered the genres of , let's continue with another important topic. The ratings.

Knowing the ratings is of utmost importance. In fact, it's so important that won't let you publish any stories unless you have read and accepted the Guidelines and therefore, the ratings.

There are five different ratings which you have to know. But you can only choose four, because one rating is reserved for hardcore-p*rn, which unfortunately isn't allowed on Fanfiction. That's what other, ahem, _interesting_ websites are there for (see **Genres**: 'Romance').

But let's tackle one after another.

* * *

K

The rating 'K' is the most harmless one. 'K' means that your story has to be so sweet, boring and/or utterly uneventful that little children (that haven't already learned how to properly use the Internet) can read them without being traumatised for life.

That means: no swearing, no blood, no violence in general, no sex – basically, everything that motivates people to actually _read_ fanfictions doesn't appear in 'K'-rated stories.

The Fanfiction-Guideline tells you that your story should be appropriate for kids at the age of 5. That's nonsense. The only kind of child (read: brat) that already reads fanfictions at the age of 5 won't be the least bit intimidated by such unnecessary things as _ratings_. Or _appropriate_ _content_.

* * *

K+

This rating at least allows you to use _mild_ swearwords (e.g. 'sheesh') and _minor_ violence (e.g. 'Merlin loses his balance and falls flat on his face'). Hints at the topic _'The Favourite Pastime of Adults' _still are a no-go.

Fanfiction suggests appropriate content for children that are 9 years of age and over. That, too, is nonsense.

I know several 9 years old kids who know more creative and more insulting swearwords than I will ever come up with. (And yes, that **is** saying something.)

* * *

T

Now it's slowly getting interesting.

This rating at least allows you to use _minor_ swearwords (but funnily enough still nothing like sh*t or f*ck, even though everybody happily uses them at every opportunity), _some_ violence (e.g. a broken nose) and _minor-subtly-suggested-but-don't-you-dare-make-it-too-obvious_ hints at topics that concern the origin of babies. And I'm not talking about cabbages. (See, that would be such a _minor-subtly-suggested-but-don't-you-dare-make-it-too-obvious_ hint. I'm a master of ambiguities.)

I won't comment on the age Fanfiction recommends, I'm sure you are smart enough to guess my opinion on that matter, my dear reader.

* * *

M

(Finally!)

'M' is the rating for the older audience. No, not the Deaf-Aid-And-Dental-Prosthesis-kind of older, the Yay-I'm-Finally-Sixteen-Years-Old-kind of older.

Here is what you can do: You can swear as much as you like … but that's about it.

Still no sex, still no torture. If you want to write about these topics, you have to choose the rating 'MA'.

* * *

MA

Oh, right.

'MA' isn't allowed on Fanfiction.

Well, rough luck, my dear reader!

* * *

The True Definition of Ratings

If you now ask yourself how on earth you can write 'Tragedy' or 'Adventure' stories without torture, and how my description of 'Romance' fits into these ratings (see **Genres**: 'Romance'), be aware of this:

No-one ever uses _these_ criteria for ratings. So if you are writing a story that meets the criteria of 'MA', rate it 'T' or 'M'. For a story that meets the 'M' criteria, choose 'T'. Everything else is 'K+' or 'K'.

If you still got it wrong, someone will tell you and you can still change it. (That's how I did it and it always worked.)

* * *

**GUESS WHO PASSED THEIR FINALS!? That's right, I did! And with flying colours, too. (Still don't know how I managed it, though.)  
To celebrate, I'm going to post two chapters today. (But only if Fanfiction lets me, of course.) And that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that both chapters are ridiculously short.**


	6. Pairings

**Pairings**

Thanks for still not having abandoned all hope. (You may regret it.)

Now that all the ground work is done, let's have a look at the finer features of a successful fanfiction.

So if you, my dear reader, want to write a story that fits into the category 'Romance' (see **Genres**), you may want to read this chapter carefully.

But before we proceed with the 'Pairings', please keep this in mind:

If you're not interested in romance, this chapter may trigger severe reactions like chronic gagging, permanent sickness and/or brain damage.

I assume no liability for any health-endangering reaction to the things you're about to read.

* * *

General Information About Pairings

Pairings are essential for every romantic story. Because you can't write about romance if there is no love and attraction to be romantic about, right?

And for that, you need a pairing.

"But what is a pairing?" you might ask yourself now, my dear reader. The answer to that is very simple:

You pick two people (Or three. Or four. Sometimes even five, if you're feeling especially daring) and make them be in love with each other, so they're a couple (or a triple. Or – whatever). This is your pairing. To show which one your pairing is, you write the two (three, four, five) names with an oblique between them.

* * *

Pairings for Everyone!

Your pairing can be literally anything. _Literally. Everything!_

Of course, you can pick the ones everyone knows and loves, e.g. Arthur/Gwen, Merlin/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot, Merlin/Morgana, Uther/Troll.

But if that doesn't suit you, don't worry! Because there is only one rule about pairings: everything is possible.

You want to pair Arthur up with Godwin? Alright! Freya with Morgause? Okay! Dragoon the Great with Sophia? No problem! Kilgharrah with Gilli? Go ahead! Emrys with Merlin? … Um, sure. That's what doppelgangers are there fore. I guess.

And that isn't even the end of that story!

Because when I say everything, I mean **everything**_._ Pairings with people only would be boring, after all. Why not pair them up with objects!?

Gwaine in love with an apple? Do it! Arthur in love with a tree? Or a chicken? Or a sword? Right away! (Geez, Arthur's an objectophile! And yes, that word actually exists.) Gaius making goo-goo eyes at the leech tank? Of course! (Great, now this image will haunt me forever.)

And since we're already at it, why not forget about living people all together and pair up two objects? Just think about all the dirty jokes you can make about the pairing Sword/Stone! (My mind really lives in the gutter. Sorry.)

* * *

Het and Slash

There are two great factions within the 'Pairings'. The so-called 'Slash'-writers ('Slashers') and the 'Het'-writers (Uhm… 'Heters'?).

The 'Slashers' and the … 'Heters' (let's just pretend that this is an actual word) virtually beat each other to death on a regular basis because most of them are about as liberal to each other as the American Republicans and Democrats. (Satirising foreign politics: check.)

'Het' means that you pair up two people of the opposite sex. For the very simple minded amongst us: a male and a female character.

'Slash' means that you pair up two people of the same sex. Usually two boys. Because about 99% of the fanfiction authors are girls and for some strange reason, girls like to make the characters gay. (And if you're shouting obscenities at me right now, please bear in mind that I'm actually female. (Unbelievable, but true.) And not a homophobe.)

Therefore, an extra word of female slash exists. It's called 'Femslash'.

If you want to please both the 'Het'- and 'Slash'-writers, just write about a threesome / foursome / fivesome in which at least one person is of the opposite sex. That way, you've got everything covered.

I still don't know which faction the person/object pairings belong to, though. Not sure if I really want to, either.

* * *

Mpreg and Other STDs

(Oh god no! I _knew_ this guide was a bad idea!)

Now let's have a look at _the_ topic for all the hardcore-Slashers, my dear reader. Mpreg.

'Mpreg' is an abbreviation for 'male pregnancy'. Yes, you've read correctly. _Male_ pregnancy.

"How is that possible?" you might ask yourself, my dear reader. The answer is simple: it isn't.

But that doesn't stop people from writing about it. Because if you can make Sir Leon marry a crossbow, why shouldn't he also get pregnant from it? (… Ouch.)

So if you want to write a story that features 'Mpreg', (which you really, really shouldn't do,) please keep these things in mind:

1. Forget everything you know about human anatomy.

2. Forget everything your parents told you about birds, bees and carnal intercourse.

3. Never forget about the rule that fits literally everywhere! If someone gets pregnant, it's "mostly Merlin, sometimes Arthur, funnily enough never Uther". (**All Hail The Universally Applicable Rule For Everything!)**

4. If you actually _get_ Uther pregnant, the fandom might kill you. Or celebrate you, because nobody ever dared it before.

5. Make all the characters in your story forget everything they know about human anatomy, birds, bees and carnal intercourse.

6. If someone questions the feasibility of male pregnancy: it's always the magic's fault! (Uther successfully ruled an entire kingdom with this attitude, after all.)

7. Don't explicitly write about the birth itself. Because that would mean having to explain how it's possible for a human being to give birth to a baby without such things as ovaries, uterus, placenta or vagina. (Seriously, which hole is the baby supposed to crawl out of?! … Oh. Right.)

(Ew…)

(Let's change the topic.)


	7. Abbreviations

**This chapter is for 'TheRest', who wouldn't stop asking for a list of abbreviations. Here you are, I hope I didn't forget anything. (If I did, feel free to tell me.)  
**

* * *

**Abbreviations**

Another very important part of the _'Merlin'_ fandom are the abbreviations, acronyms and synonyms.

Because all around the world people are getting more and more lazy, some genius (read: idiot) decided that typing out complete sentences is far too much trouble. Therefore abbreviations.

Someone who is not familiar with all the abbreviations that exist amongst the fanfiction authors will be lost sooner or later.

Therefore, my dear reader, I now present you a list with the most important abbreviations you need to know in order to find your way through the 'Merlin' fandom.

**WARNING!** This list might actually be informative! (At least a teensy little bit.)

Beware!

* * *

A/N: _Author's Note._ Stupid, unnecessary things no-one needs to know. Often used in a horrible attempt at humour.

Arwen: _Arthur/Gwen, pairing_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly. **NOT** to be confused with '_Arwen'_, the character from _'The Lord of the Rings'_!

AU: _Alternate Universe._ In an Alternate Universe, the only thing that connects the story to the TV show are the characters' names and appearances.

BAMF: _Bad A** Mother F*cker_. Actually meant as a compliment. Means the character is awesome, heroic and undefeatable.

BDSM: _BD = Bondage, SM = Slave/Master _OR_ Sadism/Masochism._ Hardcore-p*rn.

Canon: _antonym of AU_. Canon means that the story actually takes place in the same time and location as the TV show.

CD: _Character Death_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly. NOT to be confused with 'Compact Disk'. (You know, those shiny round things with a hole in the middle and music on them.)

Chp(t): _Chapter_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

Crack: _Nonsense_. A story that gives you the suspicion its author was astronomically high during the writing process.

DLDR: _Don't Like, Don't Read_. A fair warning to all those who hold their brain cells dear.

Dom/Sub: _Dominant/Submissive_. More hardcore-p*rn.

Drabble: _Short story_. A story that is about 100 words long.

Dub-con: _Dubious Consent_. Not rape yet, but – well – dubious. (Hello, Captain Obvious!)

Fav: _Favorite_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

Femslash: See **Pairings**: 'Het and Slash'

Fic: _Fanfiction, story_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

Fluff: _Romantic nonsense_. The story usually has no other aim than to make the reader sick with it's sugary corniness.

Gen: _General Audiences, antonym of slash._ A story that has no homosexual (or any other sexual) content.

H/C: _Hurt/Comfort_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly. NOT to be confused with 'haemochromatosis'. (Why do I get the funny feeling that half of you just googled this word?)

Head Canon: _Something in-between AU and Canon_. Takes place in the time and location of the TV show, but deals with different themes.

Het: _Heterosexual relationship_. See **Pairings**: 'Het and Slash'

Hiatus: _Put on hold_. A story that is on break and might not be finished in the foreseeable future.

IC: _In Character_. Used to claim that the character traits of the protagonists are fitting the actual characters from the show.

IDOM: _I Don't Own 'Merlin'_. Disclaimer, used to prevent a lawsuit for calumny from the BBC.

Lemon: _Story with sexual content_. Refers to the face the readers make whilst reading the story: Like they bit into a lemon. (FunFact: every time I read 'lemon' in a summary, I think of the 'Impossibru' face. Yep, that's me in all my brainless glory.)

M/A M/M G/A G/M etc.: _Pairings_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly. Usually, the author doesn't even bother to write who the 'M' stands for, since there are so few characters whose names start with an 'M'.

Mergana: _Merlin/Morgana, pairing_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

Merthur: _Merlin/Arthur, pairing_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly. NOT to be confused with 'murther'.

MxM (FxF): _Homosexual Relationship (Male/Male or Female/Female)_. For those who want to skimp on letters, because 'MxM' is two letters shorter than 'Slash' and 'FxF' five letters shorter than 'Femslash'.

Mpreg: _Male Pregnancy_. See **Pairings**: 'Mpreg'

Non-con: _Non-Consensual_. A synonym for rape, because if you write 'rape' nobody will read your story.

NSFW: _Not Safe For Work_. A story that has so much questionable content that it is inappropriate for the public eye. And I'm not talking about the "Fifty Shits - I MEAN! - Shades of Grey" kind of inappropriate, I'm talking about the "YouP*rn" kind of inappropriate.

OC: _Own Character_. 99.45683% of the Own Characters are Mary Sues or Marty Stus.

OFC / OMC: _Own Female / Male Character_. Differentiates between Mary Sues and Marty Stus.

OOC: _Out Of Character_, a_ntonym of IC_. The character in the story behaves the complete opposite of the character in the show. NOT to be confused with 'Own Oafish Character'.

OS: _One-Shot, short story_. Story that consists of one chapter only. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

OTP: _One True Pairing_. If you don't approve of the pairing, don't tell the author. They might kill you.

p0rn: _P*rn_. Half-hearted attempt at 1337 to prevent Fanfiction from censoring the word.

Plotbunny: _Very insistent idea._ A story born from an idea that didn't stop to annoy the author and therefore was written down.

POV: _Point Of View_. The angle from which the story is told. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

PWP: _P*rn Without Plot_ OR _Plot? What Plot?._ Stupid story with lots of sex and very little sense in it.

R&R: _Read And Review_. An attempt of the author to get at least _one_ review. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

RPF: _Real Person Fiction_. A story in which the actors of the characters are the protagonists. Insofar dangerous as the actors could sue you for calumny.

RPS: _Real Person Slash_. Even more dangerous because the chance to get sued is higher.

S1, S2, S3, S4, S5: _Series/Season._ Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

Slash: _Homosexual relationship._ See **Pairings**: 'Het and Slash'

Smut: _P*rn._ Yet another word for sexual content.

Songfic: _Story with lyrics_. Very short stories that are made even more unbearable to read by inserting random lyrics that are supposed to fit into the context, but usually don't.

TBC: _To Be Continued_. Used as bottom line of a chapter that ends with a cliffhanger to taunt the readers. NOT to be confused with 'Tragically Brainless Character'.

UST: _Unsolved Sexual Tension_. Two characters who can't grow a pair of balls and admit their feelings. (My language is impeccable, don't you dare say otherwise.)

Whump: _Hurting a character_. Means that one or more characters are severely hurt – physically and/or mentally – within the story.

WIP: _Work In Progress_. A story that isn't finished yet. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

Yaoi: _Homosexual p*rn_. Originally from Japanese anime. Basically the same as 'Slash' and 'Lemon' mixed together, but the usage of foreign words makes you seem smarter.


End file.
